1. Only touch her when invited to do so. Failing to follow this rule can look a little something like this:
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2. Her majesty expects full and complete attention when any one of her minions is sitting on the toilet. This rule is strictly enforced and if not adhered to can look a lot like the photo above.
3. Appreciate and fawn over every gift her highness bestows upon her lowly subjects. If not...well, you get the picture.
The Queen of the House runs a tight ship around here. I can live with rule number one, mostly because I find her a tad bit mangy and I kind of get grossed out touching her (it's best not to mention this one to her). Rule number two I find odd and disturbing but I work around it. Buuuuut, when it comes to rule number three, the queen and I have some, shall we say, issues.
Listen, I'm sure that there are people in the world who don't mind sliding through a mouse carcass in bare feet first thing in the morning. I'm sure that there are people who find it quaint to be sitting in their living room, enjoying some peace and quiet and a nice cup of tea only to be dive-bombed repeatedly by a crazed kamikaze bird (insert scenes from The Birds here) who had, only moments before, been playing dead in the jaws of her highness and looking for the perfect moment to flee. And I'm sure that there are people who looooove opening the door to a snake laying on the front porch.
Let me be clear: I am not one of those people.
I have been known to violate rules number 1 and 3 in one fail swoop, throwing her majesty out of the house and tossing some four letter words out the door with her. Let's just say, that I'm not always a fan of her gifts and she's not a fan of my attitude.
Given our history, imagine my surprise to open the door to find this:
