Thanksgiving for Dummies, Part Deux

Well, I'm happy to say that we have made it through Thanksgiving intact. There were no trips to the emergency room from knive mishaps,which I have a sad history of, nor were there any salmonella poisonings that I know of....so I'll call dinner a success (and it was delicious which was an added bonus).

Since my last anxiety-ridden post leading up to cooking my first turkey, I learned some pretty interesting behind-the-scenes sorts of lessons with a couple of observations thrown in for good measure. I'm not sure that I'm the better for it, really...and you probably won't be either, but blogs are made for sharing.....

Let's talk lessons in physics: If a turkey has been thawing for days, it will create natural "juices"( truly "liquid rot", but we'll stay with the illusion for everyone's sake).  Come to find out, when you pick a turkey up and hold it just so, those "juices" will roll rigggghhhht up the sleeves of your sweater in mass quantity. I was completely unprepared for this little shock. To make matters worse, I stood there holding the turkey in front of me in unpleasant surprise, looked down and realized that I was giving my little dog a turkey "juice" shower, which was equally gross. Yeah, don't worry Martha Stewart, your day job's safe for now.

I don't expect people to give away all of their Thanksgiving secrets, but perhaps someone might have mentioned to me that when I stuck my hand in the bird for the first time, I'd find a paper bag full of animal organs sitting inside. Since I had no idea what this was all about, I assumed that I had somehow gotten the Hannibal Lecter of turkeys who had gotten the electric chair for his crimes and then sent directly to my grocer's freezer. I was assured that the paper bag was put there for me to find on purpose, kind of like the toy in the bottom of a cereal box, only creepier. Not exactly sure what I was supposed to do with the organs, I decided to play Hannibal Lecter myself by frying them up and drinking a glass of Chianti (and then gave them to the dogs).You might know what to do with the organs, but at this point, don't tell me; I don't want to know.

As I stood there amongst all of the Thanksgivingness,  stuffing the turkey full of oranges, carrots, onions and such, I couldn't help but think that if I was stuffing the exact same things into the rump of, say, a squirrel or a cat, people would run from me and then probably lock me up. But since I was shoving things into the rump of a turkey, people were not only coming over, they were flying across the country to be a part of it. It's weird, isn't it? (Or am I just weird? It's entirely possible.)

So here are some photos as things progressed...and I hope that your Thanksgiving was as enlightening (and fun) as mine.

Thanksgiving for Dummies

OK. I admit it.  I am a 34 year old woman, living in America (with a family)  and have never cooked a full Thanksgiving dinner in my life. Never. Not once. There are lots of reasons for this anomaly: travel, shared Thanksgivings with friends, and, of course, Hubby Tim who moonlights as my personal chef (go ahead and be jealous for a minute ladies, it's totally appropriate). I have silently relished the knowledge that I have somehow gotten out of cooking this monster meal alone; Breathed a sigh of relief that the stars had aligned just so, so that I was only responsible for side dishes. Well, my number was bound to come up sooner or later. *sigh* I have family flying in, friends coming over, and Hubby Tim is in Wisconsin...the perfect storm of my Thanksgiving nightmares. This one's alllllll me and seems like a relatively poor idea.

 There are two issues that are keeping me up at night:

Up until recently, I knew almost nothing about turkeys. I happily eat them exactly once a year and if I happen to see one that is alive, I get survivor's guilt. That's was about the extent of my knowledge. So, imagine my surprise to find out that in order for this meal to go smoothly, I have to give one a nice aromatic bath, tie it up, and then shove things in it's nether-regions. (Whaaaaa?!! Do I need to get it liquored up and throw candles in for good measure?!) Frankly, I like to get to know someone a little bit better before I go down that road (no, really mom, I do).

As if the that wasn't enough to give me performance anxiety,  I found out that there is a whole hotline specifically for people to call in the case of a butterball emergency (No shit...a Butterball Hotline AND a butterball emergency...both apparently real things).  I'm putting it on speed dial right next to the AA hotline that I'll be calling from drinking too much over the stress of this whole thing.

Here's the other potential issue: These days, I seem to have the focus of someone with dementia and an added touch of ADD. I'll start something, walk into another room, and then totally forget that I had been doing something else (As if to prove my point, in the middle of writing this very blog, I walked upstairs to get my phone and realized that I had food burning on the stove...). I'm relatively certain that preparing Thanksgiving dinner requires timing and focus, both of which I seem to have misplaced somewhere in the craziness that is my life.

Now, this whole Thanksgiving thing doesn't need to be a Martha Stewart production, but I just hope it isn't this either:



Oh boy. Wish me luck.

Halloween is for Lovers

The kids abandoned us for Halloween this year; I didn't even get one picture before they were swallowed into the night...But, I guess we made do.....